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The Pain Series: The Pain of Losing A Family Member - R8P Podcast Version

“This happened so that the works of God might be established in him.” John 9:3

So often we are primarily focused on God changing the script whereas we fail to allow Him to change us. Instead of being upset with God, I chose to look to God as my refuge. I’ve learnt overtime that the purpose of prayer is to get us through our situations rather than merely getting us out of our challenging circumstances. We must ask God to give us His sustained unwavering grace, strength to remain, endurance and the will to continue.

“You have been diagnosed with the C word.” I refused to hear these words at any cost. It was our worst nightmare. It only seemed as if it was yesterday. I questioned whether I was in a dream or whether God had the wrong person because this could not be possible at all. He was an angel on earth, as sweet as a spirit and as courageous an attitude as anyone I’ve ever met; my brother. In the midst of feeling like everything was over. The Lord reminded me that He is in control and that all I had to do was to pray and believe there is healing. Thank God for biblical stories that came to my mind constantly such as Job, Lazarus, the woman with the issue of blood, the blind and lepers. I knew my God was a miracle healer but at the same time I was conscious that He knows the beginning and the end and that He would never forsake me.

Whatever happened I had already made up my mind that He would be my only source. Simply put I was in a place of yearning and seeking after the face of God. How you may ask. I just couldn’t put blame on God. I’ve cried countless nights and days yet I still served. I was bleeding yet I was leading. Even though I had classes in my second year; most of my time was spent with him. I had to show him love and speak to Him about the God that has been carrying him through. My actions were all that mattered. I knew that it wasn’t my reliance on my strength and who I am as a person that would get me through.

If I was a weak believer, at this point in time my faith increased, it skyrocketed. I didn’t understand either but I trusted and believed. I don’t ask God why because He does nothing to harm his children. Jeremiah 29:11 affirms “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” In understanding this, I had to know who is the supreme being in whom I worship. I believe this is a big issue. I wasn’t going to allow my intelligence, what seemed logical to change my thinking of who God is because I won’t get an answer. I started changing my way of thinking, praying, posture, worship and how I viewed life itself. I’m not writing this to tell you it is easy when you have lost someone so dear to you. The worst. I felt empty. I felt as if someone pierced nails through me. I couldn’t sleep during the nights.

I sometimes try not to think about it but it’s rough in the streets. Will it get easier overtime I thought to myself? I hope so. The grieving process varies for everyone but we will get through one day at a time. My brother has always been at peace and I honestly mean this. Now you understand my basis for saying that he is an angel. He never told himself he had cancer. He just told us he’s going through a phase. He had more faith than we could’ve ever imagined. He ministered in the hospital. He reassured me that God is going to get him through. His faith was shown through the life he lived which is the beauty of God’s power.

It is only God. When I tell you that I felt an unexplainable peace. I can’t comprehend. If anyone knows me I love to be in control of situations, I love to get things done my way, I overthink but when he passed these things went away. I prayed and left it in the hands of God. “Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you.” 1st Peter 5:7

You have to be connected to God in order for Him to speak to you. I did fasting for approximately 2 weeks before he passed and the Lord told me to call him the Sunday before he died and I started to radically pray on the phone and sent him Psalm 91. The Lord said Tell him to cry out to me and accept me as His Lord and Saviour before it’s too late. I couldn’t keep it in so I had to be obedient to God. I started to declare life and power over Him not even knowing that it would’ve been my last conversation with him. My acts of obedience made a difference.

Did it go the way I wanted it to go? No it didn’t but I was reminded of the scripture in Proverbs 16:9 “In their hearts humans plans their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” God has the final say in everything whether you believe it or not. He is the orchestrator, writer and composer of our lives. Nothing is too small or too big for Him.

Most of our prayers are solely intended for our own personal benefit rather than to glorify the kingdom of God. I’m learning to accept that even when something that I’ve prayed for isn’t answered the way I want it to, I yearn to have a peace that passeth all of my understanding with the belief that God hears me.

This loss has changed my heart forever. How did it do so you may ask? I am more willing to service because I know that this is my purpose on earth. Simply put, sow seeds of kindness and love because the harvest of blessings will come from God in His time. If I can help someone who is hopeless and feels as though all is gone on the basis that I’ve been through my situation. I’m reminding you that God will take you through because it’s not based on your strength but God’s. Isaiah 41:10 provides a gentle reminder; “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

- Nedrieka Mullings

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